| Until my lord release me, or death take me . . . |
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| NaNo time!!!!!!! |
[10 Nov 2009|07:20pm] |
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"Count the Shadows" Chameleon Circuit |
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Well, I WASN'T going to join NaNoWriMo this year. I've got too much going on, working, keeping Ivy sane, getting ready to move.
And then my library decided to challange the New Bibliotheca Alexandrina to a literary smackdown.
That's right, my dear Salinas Public Library is betting that when the dust clears, they will have a higher word count than the library that is built in honor of THE library at Alexandria.
So I'm throwing my words in....God help me.
Who else is writing?? I'll finish if you do. Not that I have a CLUE where to begin or what to write about...
I'm insane.
To days to come...
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[08 Nov 2009|08:34pm] |
Evenin' all,
I know I said I'd be better at updating, and...well...updating more than twice in a month IS being better when you're me. Any rate, it's the usual business of the Holidays around here. Scraping money up, trying to determine how to find gifts for those members of your distant family that you've met twice and really don't know at all. Trying to figure out how to afford gifts for your friends whom you DO know what they want, they just have expensive/ecclectic tastes. I've got some extra hours at work, so that will help a bit. Hunting for ideas for keeping myself fed on next to nothing (so you collage vetrans...help?! lol)
In other news, I'm planning on moving.
That's right, she's finally getting the hell out of here. I've a best friend in a pretty rough situation. Her mom's coming off having a stroke a few months ago, and due to all her family members having jobs/kids/mortgages, she doesn't really have much help. Her brother lives with her, but he's truck driving to bring in money. She needs to be there with her mom, which leaves her unable to go look for much of a job. She's like my sister, my best friend a million times over.
I'm a free agent in life....you can see where this is going. I've no roots, no real job, certanly no kids! If I go down there, I can help her out, bring in some cash, and, more importantly, be there to help relieve stress and strain of taking care of her mom.
I think it'll do our friendship a lot of good too. So much of my angst and our fights begin when I start feeling bad that I can't help her, then I get a touch of resentment, and snap out. If I'm there, I'll feel like I can do something, even if it's just to offer a hug, a cup of coffee, or a touch of some sort. I'll feel so much more useful, which wont' lead me down that path of snappy resentment.
Yes, you may be saying I'm insane.
To quote Billy Joel, you may be right.
But it's something i've thought about for months, and it's something I feel I should do. More importantly, it's something I WANT to do.
Now, scarily enough, I've set my date for leaving for January.
Somehow have to stockpile my money, figure out what exact items I CANNOT live without because I can't ship/take much, and do a lot of praying.
Once I get there, aside from looking at jobs, I'm going to look into doing some online courses. Not sure what I want to do with my life still, but was thinking about nutrition of some sort. I do enjoy food, enjoy reading about it, so I could deal with studying it easily. It will let me help people, without having their lives in my hand, which IS something I very much want to do in my life. Plus, it's a science, and that will make me feel smart. Feeling smart makes me feel sexy.
Not sure of much of anything, only that I want to do this.
I'm determined to send Christmas cards/possibly small gifties to my online friends this year, so if you'd like one, message me your address information. I've been lazy the past few years, but I am determined to get it together this year. I'd love Christmas cards too, from anyone! So please let me know.
I think I shall go curl up with some peppermint tea and some Doctor Who. I feel the need for some Adipose. Also, I want http://www.amazon.co.uk/Character-Options-Doctor-Adipose-Plush/dp/B001IHCKJI for Christmas! I'm not usually one for stuffed animals, but occasionally something catches me eye. Want want want want WANT! LoL Who DOESN'T want a plush made in the shape of walking, talking FAT cuteness?!
To days to come...
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| Do you ever go out? |
[07 Oct 2009|10:03pm] |
I should give a longer update, and perhaps I will tomorrow, but I thought I'd drop in and start on my promise of updating more.
Jamie is currently:
~very tired
~trying to catch cold (sore and achy)
~in love with cherry green tea.
~very, very grateful to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) insaneboingo, for the offer of help, and the advice. I'm sure I'll need it in the times to come.
~listening to Chameleon Circuit (and loving those lads!), Indigo Girls, Brandi Carlisle (picked up a few of her older songs, love the voice!)
~contemplating a move across the country, which is insane, but somehow feels like a chance I should take. More on that later.
~going to watch Einstein and Eddington, because David Tennant as any sort of intellectual/professor sort just makes me feel better. (Also makes me feel tingly, but that's beside the point)
~has not seen Torchwood: Children of Earth yet, and yes, I"m avoiding it. I don't think I can stand to watch...well...you know.
~did NOT, repeat NOT kick Life on Mars to the top of the Netflix queue.
I just realized that's a rather cold list, doesn't tell you much about ME, I suppose. Well, as I said, I never feel that there is much to tell. For the moment, I'm holding my head up, trying to live each day as it comes, trying to do something good for someone else each day, trying to save money and get thinner, and only marginally succeeding at either. I also think if I can save one single life, my life will have been worth something. (Does that give me a hero complex?).
The air has finally begun to cool from our unnatural summer. My area of coastal California usually doesn't have a summer in the traditional sense, just a week of hot weather in September. This year, we had a stretch of clear, hot days that began in June and just are just now beginning to let up.
I'm an Autumn girl, always have been. I've never known why, but Autumn to me has always been the season of beginnings, of possibilities. Everyone around me sees endings, and Death, and chills and cold. I see chills and cold, yes, but the clear air is wonderful. To say nothing of the smell of woodburning stoves as you walk home, with some music that tells a beautiful story of hope and pain playing on the Ipod. The coldness in the air tends to bring me out of the house, whereas it just sends everyone else inside. There's something in the air that's wonderful, crisp and cold. I bring out my jackets (and I'm a jacket girl. Some people favor hoodies, or sweaters. I'm a jacket woman), and pray for a morning cold enough so I can pull out my scarves and feel like Mark Cohen from Rent.
What I"m trying to say is, at least now, for this moment in time, I'm happy.
I hope you are too.
To days to come...
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| confessions |
[15 Sep 2009|10:51pm] |
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mood |
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I haven't updated, I'm sorry. I always do this, it's a recurring pattern. Not out of lack of care, but more out of a belief that I had nothing worth reporting. Wrong, I know, but there it is. I also have a nasty habit of only updating when something goes wrong. For that I apologize to you all, if anyone still reads.
I'll do better. I've been trying lately to purge myself of all my faults, at least the ones I'm aware of. So forgive the confessional
~I have a tendency to obsess over what I've done wrong in the past.
~I have a short temper. Sadly, it's only with the people I love the most who I can't hold my temper with.
~I try and take on the weight of other people's problems, and when of course, I can't fix them all, I get angry with the person for not being okay, which makes me feel useless. (Stupid reaction I know, but...)
~I resent my best friend for needing...for daring to ASK so much of me...time and time a fucking again....and I hate myself for it.
So. I have faults. I'm trying to get over them, but have no idea how to stop with something that is a knee-jerk reaction. So...any prayers anyone wants to say, I'll be thankful.
I love you.
To days to come...
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[11 Jun 2009|10:03pm] |
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I'm so bad at not updating.
Been working my ass off at work, since because the City is stupid, all the temp people have to be laid off for two weeks and then rehired so that they don't have to make them permenant. Eff you, California budget. So my supervisor was nice enough to let us take all the extra hours we could BEFORE that, since we won't get paid for weeks.
-Going to Portland, OR next week. My friend Laura wants to scout out the area AND going to see the national tour of RENT! (Anthony and Adam!!!!)
-Best friend's still alive, but everything got way, way sticker. Sticker like I couldn't even believe.
-Bought Chameleon Circuit's cd...the physical one because I want artwork and extra songs. Yes, my DW love knows no bounds. I sleep on blue sheets with brown pillowcases.....and you know why.
-Have also added David Morrissey to list of People That I'm Semi-in love with Due to David Tennant.
-Need to lose twenty pounds, get new lenses in my old emo black plastic frames, and get another job.
-Also stop eating crap.
Hope you all are well!
To days to come....
Jamie
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[18 May 2009|02:07pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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My best friend just attempted suicide.
And I think she'll do it again.
I don't know what the hell to do. I don't know how to CONTEMPLATE life without her....
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[27 Feb 2009|09:57am] |
Dear insaneboingo: Never stop being you. You made me smile today, when I needed it quite badly.
Dear Self: Stop whining, he doesn't hate you, just is a man and decided that he doesn't need to rely on anyone. Also, that he's realizing he's using you and he wants to stop. It's a good thing, try and get over the sting of not being a huge part of his life anymore, of not being needed.
Dear Ipod: I love you.
Dear Mom: i love you too, even if I'm a cranky bitch and don't say it.
Dear Josh Groban: Thank you for the music , the songs I'm signging, thanks for all the joy they're bringing {sorry! lol}
Dear God: Thank you for the rain. {Bet you don't hear that much from anyone that's not a farmer!}
Dear Everyone: A bit of fun for you. If you don't know the sunshine-y silliness of Mika's music, try a slice. Even if you think it's silly or overdone, I guarentee you'll smile. Love Today
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| Asking for help.. |
[20 Feb 2009|11:10am] |
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Hey Everyone,
I've decided to take action against cancer by participating in
the American Cancer Society Relay For Life event right here in my
community. Relay For Life is about celebration, remembrance, and hope.
By participating, I am honoring cancer survivors, paying tribute to
the lives we've lost to the disease, and raising money to help fight
it.
Please help support me in this important cause by making a donation.
It is faster and easier than ever to support me by making a secure,
tax-deductible donation online using the link below.
To donate online now, click here to visit my personal page.
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY09National?px=9211057&pg=personal&fr_id=13706
Whatever you can give will help - it all adds up! I really appreciate
your support and will keep you posted on my progress.
Sincerely,
Jamie
PS If you would like to mail me a donation, please make your
check payable to: American Cancer Society and message me for the address.
Fight Back
How does the money you raise help fight cancer? In so many ways! The
donations you collect enable the American Cancer Society to fund
cutting-edge research, provide up-to-date cancer information and
education, advocate for all people to have access to critical cancer
screenings and follow-up care, and offer free programs to improve the
quality of life for patients and their families.
All content and works posted on this website are owned and copyrighted
by the American Cancer Society, Inc. All rights reserved.
2008 - 2009
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| Love |
[11 Feb 2009|10:09pm] |
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Courtney, Carina, Lindsay, Bella...you all are amazing. I've been emo the last few entries, and I apologize.
You guys are always smiling, always talking about some amazing thing in your life...and it makes me smile.
Bella, I still want that CD, whenever Life lets you catch a break...I know it's busy.
I love you all in bits, for the words, the encouragment, the fics, the writing, the way you all live Life and share the brightness. It's an inspiration, and I needed to express that.
To days to come...!
James
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| Bitter |
[11 Feb 2009|07:45pm] |
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I feel so callus right now. When did I become the person who despises people who whine and get depressed because they won't have a date/person to be with on Valentine's? Seriously, I feel bad for having no compassion. I seriously just want to tell her to get the fuck over it, and take HERSELF out. Go find a friend, go to the spa, go shopping...volunteer...something. Curl up with her puppies and love them. I seriously do not want to listen to another two hours of "no one will ever want me..." Does that make me coldhearted?B
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| This entry may cause you to hate me... |
[02 Feb 2009|09:07pm] |
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mood |
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WARNING: Emo ahead.
I feel like I've lost a part of myself, that comforting, caring part of me. I have a friend, who has a rough romantic life. Her last boyfriend cheated on her and it's effed her up pretty badly. Fair enough. She's got some squishy feelings for someone new and I'm glad for her for that. What is bugging me is I'm ending up constantly telling her, having to give her pep talks into perusing the guy, which I know she wants to. It's just that, after hearing 'I can't...can't...been too hurt." for the hundrenth time, over the second or third guy, is making me want to throw my hands up and go "Fine, DON'T try again." And this is when I'm supposed to talk her into trying, into taking the chance. I want her to take the chance, I really really do, but at the same time, I'm sick of always being the one to give a pep talk...and when I say a pep talk, I mean I spend a lot of time, sometimes hours, explaining reasons she should do it, reasons she's amazing, why no guy would say no...etc. I want to be the rock of a friend, the one who's "always there, always with a word", but the truth is I feel burned out, I've done this time and time again, and while I know I shouldn't begrudge her this....we all need help overcoming things.....I still feel burned out, wanting to give up, and in general like I'm useless. I feel useless particularly when I try, I really try, to be the comforting, uplifting best friend, and yet days later I still get the "I can't do this...I'm not good enough...." sighing, which is the subtle signal for "looove me and pep talk me into this". And it makes me feel useless.
I'm just burned out from always being the support. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in her self-criticism, her fear, and her neediness.
and then I feel even worse because I know that, given the right situations {although far less often than she is}, i'm just as bad, needy, and afraid. So then I feel like there should be a scarlet "H" in my clothes for Hypocrite.
This sucks.
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[01 Feb 2009|01:05am] |
It's an emo night.
Joining a community for self-portrature makes you realize that you not only lack a good camera, but good ideas on how to make your self-portrait actually express something about yourself, which in turn makes you feel lacking in any semblance of creativity, uniquness, beauty or humanity.
/emo.
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[27 Jan 2009|08:25pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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hockey game on tv (go SJ!) |
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Do you guys think it's petty to be mad that your best friend didn't remember to wish you a happy birthday? I feel a bit mad that she did, she's always been spot on with me...I dunno. Sometimes I feel like we're growing apart, and I don't want that, but I can only take so much emo...sigh.
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[22 Jan 2009|12:13pm] |
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mood |
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 gloomy |
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Dear Printer,
Please not to be running out of paper while I am trying to print up my resume and references. It could be disasterous to my bank account. Thank you.
Dear Friend Whom Needs Not to Be Named,
Stop making me feel like shit. Stress is bad for my health.
Dear Self,
Stop letting her make you feel like shit.
Dear Catherine Tate,
God bless you for hosting Friday Night Project, it may be the only thing that keeps me from crying.
Dear David Tennant and David Morrissey,
Stop being so sexy. This is also bad for my health. Especially you, Tennant.
Dear Scissor Sisters,
Stop making catchy songs about not being able to decide if someone should live or die. It feeds my interest of The Master, and keeps him in my brain. This is bad.
Always,
Jamie
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| Curiosity kills... |
[13 Jan 2009|12:19am] |
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I do NOT have a thing for John Simm, I do NOT have a thing for John Simm!
*ignores the fact that she just joined two JS communities, is looking for Life on Mars to download {ONLY because I've heard it's good drama!}, and has State of Play on the top of her netflix queue*
James
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| Love |
[17 Nov 2008|07:43pm] |
Bella, Corina, Jol....you three make a girl a smile. Thank you, thank you all for the love and comments.
I'll try to post a bit more frequently, though entertaining it may not be.
I'm downloading the clip for the next Doctor Who Christmas special...the Blackpool fan in me has been salavating at the thought of seeing David and David {no, that's not a typo. lol} together for MONTHS, and Christmas cannot come quick enough!
I keep working, working working. Pretty much working some hours at one or the other of my jobs on each day of the week, probably to about 50 at this count. As I have no idea how long any of them will last {thank you very much, budgets}, I'm taking all I can and stockpiling money. Plus trying to complete Christmas shopping.
I've kept in touch with Justin, he calls almost every weekend. Poor kid's not doing well, alone on the other side of the world, and I'm one of the few people he feels comfortable enough to go to when he is sad/worried/lonely etc. I should probably feel used, but I haven't the heart to not take his calls. The mere sound of his voice still makes me happy and sad at the very same time. I love him, and if he came back, I'd take him back without even thinking. That's probably bad too, but it's there nonetheless.
Hope everyone is well. I'm thinking I need to find a new layout....
To days to come....all my love to long ago.
James
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| Oceans apart, day after day... |
[05 Nov 2008|09:01pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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music |
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"Song for Ten" |
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I'm sorry I've been out of the loop everyone, I've been more than just a little loopy, distracted and well...blah.
Justin went to Japan at the end of July, and at the end of August he decided he couldn't handle the distance, the lack of a person there and nearby, and we broke up. I didn't want it, but as he had already been trying to deal with it for my sake for awhile now, I had to step back and let go. You can't deny someone's happiness, not when it's someone you love. "If you love them, let them go..." and all that shit. I love him, and I told him that. And here, three months later, though I talk to him a few times a month, I love him still. I can't yet imagine being with anyone else, loving someone else.
Sometimes I'm okay, sometimes I'm not. I was in Monterey, our old haunts, and was attaked by loneliness and nostalgia the likes of which I'd never known.
I'm still working, but not sure how many more hours I'll be able to pick up.
Voted Obama. Yay!
I also dislike being berated for moping around due to the fact that a beloved actor is leaving a beloved show (David Tennant, Doctor Who). Probably anyone reading this understands the special insanity and love that one develops with an actor/character, but I've been though so much with Tennant's Doctor. My rock, my bastion of faith {I know that's odd, but he DOES have his own faith}, my humor. He's seen me though my last two boys, a few jobs....I just wasn't ready to let go.
I also hate the people having on Steven Moffet for this. Leave off, the man's written some of the BEST DW episodes ever! the show's in good hands. Stop hating. Russel, God bless him, could write some absolute nonsense at times, so cut the guy some slack. I hate fandom snarking.
In retrospect and summary.....I need love. My two rocks, my boys are leaving me and as sad as it sounds, it's leaving me on shaky ground in my life.
Love me? Just though this spell?
James
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| *insert epic scream* |
[29 Oct 2008|10:30pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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David Tennant announced today that after the 4 specials in 2009, he's stepping down from Doctor Who.
a tiny part of me has just died.
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| Dislocation |
[17 Aug 2008|10:18pm] |
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mood |
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discontent |
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It happens in an instant.
My grandma used to say
someone is walking on your grave.
It's that moment when your life
is suddenly strange to you
as someone else's coat
you have slipped on at a party
by accident, and it is far
too big or too tight for you.
Your life feels awkward, ill
fitting. You remember why you
came into this kitchen, but you
feel you don't belong here.
It scares you in a remote
numb way. You fear that you—
whatever you means, this mind,
this entity stuck into a name
like mercury dropped into water—
have lost the ability to enter your
self, a key that no longer works.
Perhaps you will be locked
out here forever peering in
at your body, if that self is really
what you are. If you are at all. *sigh* |
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