| Until my lord release me, or death take me . . . |
[entries|friends|calendar] |
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[11 Jun 2009|10:03pm] |
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mood |
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I'm so bad at not updating.
Been working my ass off at work, since because the City is stupid, all the temp people have to be laid off for two weeks and then rehired so that they don't have to make them permenant. Eff you, California budget. So my supervisor was nice enough to let us take all the extra hours we could BEFORE that, since we won't get paid for weeks.
-Going to Portland, OR next week. My friend Laura wants to scout out the area AND going to see the national tour of RENT! (Anthony and Adam!!!!)
-Best friend's still alive, but everything got way, way sticker. Sticker like I couldn't even believe.
-Bought Chameleon Circuit's cd...the physical one because I want artwork and extra songs. Yes, my DW love knows no bounds. I sleep on blue sheets with brown pillowcases.....and you know why.
-Have also added David Morrissey to list of People That I'm Semi-in love with Due to David Tennant.
-Need to lose twenty pounds, get new lenses in my old emo black plastic frames, and get another job.
-Also stop eating crap.
Hope you all are well!
To days to come....
Jamie
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[18 May 2009|02:07pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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My best friend just attempted suicide.
And I think she'll do it again.
I don't know what the hell to do. I don't know how to CONTEMPLATE life without her....
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[27 Feb 2009|09:57am] |
Dear ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) insaneboingo: Never stop being you. You made me smile today, when I needed it quite badly.
Dear Self: Stop whining, he doesn't hate you, just is a man and decided that he doesn't need to rely on anyone. Also, that he's realizing he's using you and he wants to stop. It's a good thing, try and get over the sting of not being a huge part of his life anymore, of not being needed.
Dear Ipod: I love you.
Dear Mom: i love you too, even if I'm a cranky bitch and don't say it.
Dear Josh Groban: Thank you for the music , the songs I'm signging, thanks for all the joy they're bringing {sorry! lol}
Dear God: Thank you for the rain. {Bet you don't hear that much from anyone that's not a farmer!}
Dear Everyone: A bit of fun for you. If you don't know the sunshine-y silliness of Mika's music, try a slice. Even if you think it's silly or overdone, I guarentee you'll smile. Love Today
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| Asking for help.. |
[20 Feb 2009|11:10am] |
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mood |
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 optimistic |
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Hey Everyone,
I've decided to take action against cancer by participating in
the American Cancer Society Relay For Life event right here in my
community. Relay For Life is about celebration, remembrance, and hope.
By participating, I am honoring cancer survivors, paying tribute to
the lives we've lost to the disease, and raising money to help fight
it.
Please help support me in this important cause by making a donation.
It is faster and easier than ever to support me by making a secure,
tax-deductible donation online using the link below.
To donate online now, click here to visit my personal page.
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY09National?px=9211057&pg=personal&fr_id=13706
Whatever you can give will help - it all adds up! I really appreciate
your support and will keep you posted on my progress.
Sincerely,
Jamie
PS If you would like to mail me a donation, please make your
check payable to: American Cancer Society and message me for the address.
Fight Back
How does the money you raise help fight cancer? In so many ways! The
donations you collect enable the American Cancer Society to fund
cutting-edge research, provide up-to-date cancer information and
education, advocate for all people to have access to critical cancer
screenings and follow-up care, and offer free programs to improve the
quality of life for patients and their families.
All content and works posted on this website are owned and copyrighted
by the American Cancer Society, Inc. All rights reserved.
2008 - 2009
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| Love |
[11 Feb 2009|10:09pm] |
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mood |
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 relaxed |
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Courtney, Carina, Lindsay, Bella...you all are amazing. I've been emo the last few entries, and I apologize.
You guys are always smiling, always talking about some amazing thing in your life...and it makes me smile.
Bella, I still want that CD, whenever Life lets you catch a break...I know it's busy.
I love you all in bits, for the words, the encouragment, the fics, the writing, the way you all live Life and share the brightness. It's an inspiration, and I needed to express that.
To days to come...!
James
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| Bitter |
[11 Feb 2009|07:45pm] |
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mood |
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 cranky |
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I feel so callus right now. When did I become the person who despises people who whine and get depressed because they won't have a date/person to be with on Valentine's? Seriously, I feel bad for having no compassion. I seriously just want to tell her to get the fuck over it, and take HERSELF out. Go find a friend, go to the spa, go shopping...volunteer...something. Curl up with her puppies and love them. I seriously do not want to listen to another two hours of "no one will ever want me..." Does that make me coldhearted?B
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| This entry may cause you to hate me... |
[02 Feb 2009|09:07pm] |
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mood |
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WARNING: Emo ahead.
I feel like I've lost a part of myself, that comforting, caring part of me. I have a friend, who has a rough romantic life. Her last boyfriend cheated on her and it's effed her up pretty badly. Fair enough. She's got some squishy feelings for someone new and I'm glad for her for that. What is bugging me is I'm ending up constantly telling her, having to give her pep talks into perusing the guy, which I know she wants to. It's just that, after hearing 'I can't...can't...been too hurt." for the hundrenth time, over the second or third guy, is making me want to throw my hands up and go "Fine, DON'T try again." And this is when I'm supposed to talk her into trying, into taking the chance. I want her to take the chance, I really really do, but at the same time, I'm sick of always being the one to give a pep talk...and when I say a pep talk, I mean I spend a lot of time, sometimes hours, explaining reasons she should do it, reasons she's amazing, why no guy would say no...etc. I want to be the rock of a friend, the one who's "always there, always with a word", but the truth is I feel burned out, I've done this time and time again, and while I know I shouldn't begrudge her this....we all need help overcoming things.....I still feel burned out, wanting to give up, and in general like I'm useless. I feel useless particularly when I try, I really try, to be the comforting, uplifting best friend, and yet days later I still get the "I can't do this...I'm not good enough...." sighing, which is the subtle signal for "looove me and pep talk me into this". And it makes me feel useless.
I'm just burned out from always being the support. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in her self-criticism, her fear, and her neediness.
and then I feel even worse because I know that, given the right situations {although far less often than she is}, i'm just as bad, needy, and afraid. So then I feel like there should be a scarlet "H" in my clothes for Hypocrite.
This sucks.
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[01 Feb 2009|01:05am] |
It's an emo night.
Joining a community for self-portrature makes you realize that you not only lack a good camera, but good ideas on how to make your self-portrait actually express something about yourself, which in turn makes you feel lacking in any semblance of creativity, uniquness, beauty or humanity.
/emo.
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[27 Jan 2009|08:25pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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hockey game on tv (go SJ!) |
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Do you guys think it's petty to be mad that your best friend didn't remember to wish you a happy birthday? I feel a bit mad that she did, she's always been spot on with me...I dunno. Sometimes I feel like we're growing apart, and I don't want that, but I can only take so much emo...sigh.
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[22 Jan 2009|12:13pm] |
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mood |
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 gloomy |
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Dear Printer,
Please not to be running out of paper while I am trying to print up my resume and references. It could be disasterous to my bank account. Thank you.
Dear Friend Whom Needs Not to Be Named,
Stop making me feel like shit. Stress is bad for my health.
Dear Self,
Stop letting her make you feel like shit.
Dear Catherine Tate,
God bless you for hosting Friday Night Project, it may be the only thing that keeps me from crying.
Dear David Tennant and David Morrissey,
Stop being so sexy. This is also bad for my health. Especially you, Tennant.
Dear Scissor Sisters,
Stop making catchy songs about not being able to decide if someone should live or die. It feeds my interest of The Master, and keeps him in my brain. This is bad.
Always,
Jamie
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| Curiosity kills... |
[13 Jan 2009|12:19am] |
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mood |
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 creative |
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I do NOT have a thing for John Simm, I do NOT have a thing for John Simm!
*ignores the fact that she just joined two JS communities, is looking for Life on Mars to download {ONLY because I've heard it's good drama!}, and has State of Play on the top of her netflix queue*
James
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| Love |
[17 Nov 2008|07:43pm] |
Bella, Corina, Jol....you three make a girl a smile. Thank you, thank you all for the love and comments.
I'll try to post a bit more frequently, though entertaining it may not be.
I'm downloading the clip for the next Doctor Who Christmas special...the Blackpool fan in me has been salavating at the thought of seeing David and David {no, that's not a typo. lol} together for MONTHS, and Christmas cannot come quick enough!
I keep working, working working. Pretty much working some hours at one or the other of my jobs on each day of the week, probably to about 50 at this count. As I have no idea how long any of them will last {thank you very much, budgets}, I'm taking all I can and stockpiling money. Plus trying to complete Christmas shopping.
I've kept in touch with Justin, he calls almost every weekend. Poor kid's not doing well, alone on the other side of the world, and I'm one of the few people he feels comfortable enough to go to when he is sad/worried/lonely etc. I should probably feel used, but I haven't the heart to not take his calls. The mere sound of his voice still makes me happy and sad at the very same time. I love him, and if he came back, I'd take him back without even thinking. That's probably bad too, but it's there nonetheless.
Hope everyone is well. I'm thinking I need to find a new layout....
To days to come....all my love to long ago.
James
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| Oceans apart, day after day... |
[05 Nov 2008|09:01pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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music |
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"Song for Ten" |
] |
I'm sorry I've been out of the loop everyone, I've been more than just a little loopy, distracted and well...blah.
Justin went to Japan at the end of July, and at the end of August he decided he couldn't handle the distance, the lack of a person there and nearby, and we broke up. I didn't want it, but as he had already been trying to deal with it for my sake for awhile now, I had to step back and let go. You can't deny someone's happiness, not when it's someone you love. "If you love them, let them go..." and all that shit. I love him, and I told him that. And here, three months later, though I talk to him a few times a month, I love him still. I can't yet imagine being with anyone else, loving someone else.
Sometimes I'm okay, sometimes I'm not. I was in Monterey, our old haunts, and was attaked by loneliness and nostalgia the likes of which I'd never known.
I'm still working, but not sure how many more hours I'll be able to pick up.
Voted Obama. Yay!
I also dislike being berated for moping around due to the fact that a beloved actor is leaving a beloved show (David Tennant, Doctor Who). Probably anyone reading this understands the special insanity and love that one develops with an actor/character, but I've been though so much with Tennant's Doctor. My rock, my bastion of faith {I know that's odd, but he DOES have his own faith}, my humor. He's seen me though my last two boys, a few jobs....I just wasn't ready to let go.
I also hate the people having on Steven Moffet for this. Leave off, the man's written some of the BEST DW episodes ever! the show's in good hands. Stop hating. Russel, God bless him, could write some absolute nonsense at times, so cut the guy some slack. I hate fandom snarking.
In retrospect and summary.....I need love. My two rocks, my boys are leaving me and as sad as it sounds, it's leaving me on shaky ground in my life.
Love me? Just though this spell?
James
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| *insert epic scream* |
[29 Oct 2008|10:30pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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David Tennant announced today that after the 4 specials in 2009, he's stepping down from Doctor Who.
a tiny part of me has just died.
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| Dislocation |
[17 Aug 2008|10:18pm] |
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mood |
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discontent |
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It happens in an instant.
My grandma used to say
someone is walking on your grave.
It's that moment when your life
is suddenly strange to you
as someone else's coat
you have slipped on at a party
by accident, and it is far
too big or too tight for you.
Your life feels awkward, ill
fitting. You remember why you
came into this kitchen, but you
feel you don't belong here.
It scares you in a remote
numb way. You fear that you—
whatever you means, this mind,
this entity stuck into a name
like mercury dropped into water—
have lost the ability to enter your
self, a key that no longer works.
Perhaps you will be locked
out here forever peering in
at your body, if that self is really
what you are. If you are at all. *sigh* |
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| Question |
[22 Jun 2008|10:38pm] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
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If you bought someone a book for their birthday, and two months later it randomly comes up in conversation, and all the person has to say is how weird and unintelligable and not very funny the book was, is it overreacting to be hurt?
I may be too sensitive, I may have wanted to pick a good book for my love just too much...but that fucking hurt. And I know it's just a book and it's silly to feel upset, but when I pick a gift for someone I want it to be well received, especially when it's someone i love so much. I take it as picking a blah sort of book reflects on me. He thinks I'm crazy, but I feel like it DOES reflect on me. It's my taste, my judgement that sucked so...yeah.
I dunno. Feeling really shitty....
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| Words spew from my fingertips |
[02 Jun 2008|09:22pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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I hate being cryptic, but just felt the need to type this I'm scared of losing people, I'm scared of relationships changing. I'm scared of walking away. I'm scared of being without you. I'm scared of you being alone. I don't want to let go. and I hate even thinking about it...
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| On a still night she actually writes! |
[20 Apr 2008|09:00pm] |
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Quick update: Spent last week working on a temporary job/assignment at a law office. It was nice and laid back, pretty simple work. Tomorrow, I get another temporary job for Monterey County, doing whatever physical stuff they need done {scanning/filing/shredding etc{. That’s supposed to go until June. After that, I’m not sure. I’m also getting an hour or so three nights a week at the library, plus Saturdays as they may need. Yay! I’m so happy to be back, even if it is practically volunteer work, given the hours I’m working don’t amount to much, money wise and I’m not sure how long that’ll last, but I don’t care. I walk into that place and just the SMELL is home, it’s so familiar, I adore it. Plus they have graphic novels now! SANDMAN!! Friday was David Tennant’s birthday. Happy Birthday love, you bring so many fans such joy, hope your b-day was awesome! Justin and I's one year anniversary is coming up. I'm so happy with this boy it's silly, but he knows the perfect ways to slip in a compliment, or to let me know I'm needed, or to give me the comfort I need, even over the phone. He's so amazing and so stubburn, geeky, intelligent...*sigh* I love that man. Only David Tennant comes anywhere near. :) Okay enough. Have a great week my loves.
~Jamie
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| Meme time! |
[08 Apr 2008|10:08am] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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1) Make a list of 15 characters.
2) Assign each character a number.
3) Without telling anyone who's on the list or the character's assigned number, get questions from your flist about what they'd like to know about them.
IE: "If 3 and 4 were trapped in a cave together with only a blanket and a toothpick, what would they do?" (The more random the better!)
4) Post the answers and who was who on the list.
1. Hawkeye Pierce (MASH)
2. Ten {Doctor Who}
3. The Master {Doctor Who}
4. Sweeney Todd {Michael Cerveris version}
5. Rupert Giles {Buffy}
6. Michael Garibaldi {Babylon 5}
7. Captain Jack Harkness {Doctor Who/Torchwood}
8. Gil Grissom {CSI}
9. Martha Jones {Doctor Who}
10. Erik, the Phantom of the Opera
11. Luna Love good {Harry Potter}
12. Barty Crouch, Jr. {Harry Potter}
13. Giacamo Casanova {Tennant version, of course}
14. Aragorn {Lord of the Rings}
15. Angel Dumott-Schionard {RENT}
In other news, I might have a short job for a few weeks on monday, more office work for an attorney. Yay. Hopefully it'll help see me though to the summer, when the UPS Store I used to work for should be hiring. I already talked to the manager and I think he's interested in bringing me on there when that person leaves.
Also, I had a physical on Friday, the first in ten years or more. I think I'm okay. I'll be picking up a few hours at the library here in town, my old stomping arounds, doing a special project for the Library Director. I was having a physical because it's required of all City employees. If all the paperwork would just get done...I can't wait to go back, even if it's just for a week. I love that place, and if they want to pay me, however briefly or little, i welcome the chance. And the money. I have to buy Justin a birthday present next month.... and April 21st will be our one year anniversary. *love*
Hope you all are well!!
XoXo,
James
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